Between Thoughts, Between Experiences... In the Spaces I Had Never Noticed Before
By Jane Garelik - Comparative Religion

Why is writing this paper so hard? I have only been here for two weeks, but already so much has happened. I have no lack of stories to tell, no lack of struggles to speak of. I have gone from wondering at the phenomenon of becoming mute and illiterate in a new land to - in an instant - listening to Chinese music on my CD player, as well as ordering food in Mandarin. Superimposing the new me on my old surroundings would certainly make for a drastic contrast. But why is it so hard to describe how I got here?

Perhaps it is because the change did not take place as I stared at the minnows in my food during my first Chinese cafeteria experience. The change did not take place as I was dropped off in Taipei to find my own way home. The change did not even hit me on the top of a mountain as I was surrounded by sky and earth simultaneously. The change came between thoughts, between experiences, in the spaces I had never noticed before. The change in me came in the uncertain pauses between my actions. I was allowed to choose what reaction I would embrace next as there was no reflex to act on. By virtue of this, I no longer fear uncertainty, I no longer fear that I will not know what to do because I have realized that in many situations a "beginner's mind" allows me to see not only the world but myself in a completely new light.
My head aches because I am constantly thinking, constantly evaluating. Everything is new and interesting. Even I am new and interesting to myself because I have no idea what I'll do next. All of a sudden, I am motivated to better myself as I have never been motivated before, to learn and study and grow, and the uncertainty of who I'll become in the process no longer frightens me. If I feel so different after only two weeks, I cannot even begin to predict who I will be as I step off the plane in Philadelphia next April. But that's all right with me. The confidence I have now in who I am and who I'll be makes me more happy than I could ever describe.

Last week I was in a beauty school getting a henna tattoo and watching two Taiwanese beauty school students give each other makeovers. One was explaining to the other how to put little strips of tape on her eyelids to make them look creased like a Caucasian's eyelids. Upstairs, other women - whom Caucasian women would give anything to look like - were perming and coloring their hair to look less like themselves.

In the night markets and other stores I have been struck by how much of the clothing has English writing on it. I have not bought anything because I keep saying, "I can get that at home." Sitting at that beauty school, I was outraged that these beautiful people could want to be anything other than what they are, until I realized that I have been doing the same thing my whole life - along with just about every other woman I know.

In "beauty shops" I often hear women complain about their hair, their body and their personality and two feet away from them another woman is lamenting the very same aspects of herself that the first woman finds attractive. I have heard "just be yourself" and "appreciate what you have" so many times, but it took an afternoon in a Taiwanese beauty school for me to learn to appreciate who I am and why I should be happy with what I have.