The Shape of My Thoughts
Sarah Weintraub, Latin American Center

In Spanish the verb esperar means to wait, to wish, to hope, or to expect, depending on the context. I used to get frustrated with this verb and other words in Spanish that had many meanings. I was never sure if the person I was talking to and I were both interpreting the context the same way. And what if we weren't? What was I really saying? There are so many nuances and facets to words in both Spanish and English sometimes I don't think I'll ever know what I'm really saying. I've learned to love this about Spanish - to love that I don't know. Spanish is round and blurred and soft in my mind and on my tongue. When I speak Spanish I am forced to care less about expressing myself perfectly and to give myself permission to sketch out my meaning. When I'm speaking Spanish I become a less careful, less exact person. The more I speak Spanish the more deeply I notice how my language creates me. The shape of the language I use influences the shape of what I say, which, in turn, influences the shape of my thoughts and the shape of me.

Some of the words we use at Friends World are similar to esperar in that they have many meanings. For example in the last month I've heard people use the word community to express a group of friends, people working for a common goal, people who are at the same place at the same time, an ideal version of human interaction and many other concepts. Every time we say "the Friends World community" we are referring to something different.

When I speak Spanish and use big, full words like esperar I become a bigger, more animated person. When I study at Friends World and use thick, layered words like community, consensus, and social change who do I become? One thing I've become here at the Latin America Center is the student representative/coordinator. Something in the things we do and the words we use here pulled a certain kind of person out of me. This me is organized, competent, reliable and a leader. Other students could see this certain shape that I emerged in and chose me to represent them.

Some days I feel like I am my roomy, outgoing Spanish-speaking self. Some days I feel like my opinionated, take-charge Friends World-speaking self. Tonight I am sleeping in tiny, isolated Playa Hermosa. It's almost dark and the rain is slowing from a pour to a drip. I am alone and calm and I don't know which of my many selves I am or want to be, which of my many languages I speak. I'll just wait here as colors fade into shades of gray. I'll wait here until I know who I am. I'll just wait, wish, hope, and expect.